While I'm waiting | Infertility Struggle


My husband and I knew pretty early on in our marriage that we wanted to start a family. Both of us come from decent sized, close knit families so it was always the plan to start a family early on. I remember being so hopeful the first few months, thinking well this is going to be easy! I just always thought that unprotected sex =  baby but when one whole year passed and we were still not expecting, it became obvious there was an issue.

I don't wish infertility on anyone. It is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Between ovulation tests and pregnancy tests to having to work with a fertility specialist, the waiting was so hard. From there it's Blood work, Shots, Ultrasounds to check for follicles and the ever raging monthly reminder that you won't be a mom this month, is truly enough to drive anyone mad! I remember setting the pregnancy test down and staring at it, trying to make that second line appear only to be crushed when after 10 minutes there is still no line or worse what you thought was a line wasn't... It's just heart breaking. 

I struggled with my faith and depression during those times as I'm sure many others do. When all you want is one thing and you are constantly denied that, it just made no sense to me. We were finally able to get a positive test after 3 years in December of 2015 and welcomed our sweet Caroline that August. ALL of those years leading up to that, instantly vanished when she was placed in my arms and I heard that sweet little cry. I wanted this for so long and in that moment I understood why my heart ached for this. This sweet little girl has turned our world upside down and I wouldn't change how she got here, I'm so thankful for her.

If I could go back, I would give that young, heart broken girl some advice it would be this:
Push through it! When you are about to fall down, push harder! When you're down at your lowest moments, know that it is okay to be angry. I was so angry, all I wanted was a child and being denied that every month made me rage but then I felt guilty for being angry. It's okay to be angry but don't use that as an excuse to stay that way. Work through it, Pray through it and ask God to not let the anger control you and your emotions. YOU will be okay. This is just a small bump in the road to the rest of your life. 












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Comments

  1. This is a beautiful story. It sounds utterly agonizing and heartbreaking to try and wait and try some more to have a baby for so long.

    I have not experienced infertility, but it took me six months following the miscarriage of my first baby to conceive again due to several factors. It was an extremely painful time and I couldn't wait for it to end.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so thrilled you had your happy ending with your precious baby!

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  2. This is such a powerful message. Infertility is extremely common and like you said can be absolutely heartbreaking. I completely agree-- it is ok to be angry, frustrated, and sad. These are all normal and validated emotions. I am so happy to hear you were able to have a baby! She is a lucky girl!

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  3. I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I’m sure at the time it was so frustrating, but the fact that you pushed through really goes to show how strong and determined you are! Your daughter is lucky to have you as a momma <3

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